Defining Madness

Standing in my garage next to an old gas grill and a stand alone propane burner I told my friend that I was ready to conduct a follow up test run.  Frank was taken back, noting my burgers were already better than most.

“They were fine” as they were.

“Fine?”

I was comparing myself to the great restaurant burgers made after spending hours grinding custom meat blends and baking house made buns.   I knew the burgers I was making weren’t that good.  I think Frank knew too.  But he still thought I was crazy.

The law of diminishing marginal returns states that all things equal, additional units of input yield smaller and smaller increases in output.  There’s a point on that curve where the amount of effort you’d spend cleaning out a clogged meat grinder, or potentially burning down your house with advanced pyrotechnics just isn’t worth the subtle difference nuances in flavor the techniques achieve.   So when is enough, enough?

Consider the following mathematically precise chart, and supporting descriptions of burger utility.

The Bubba Burger: Sold pre-formed into 1/3 ounce patties and frozen solid, you can deal bubba burgers to the grill like playing cards.  10 minutes later you’ve got a meat sandwich that tastes exactly like the amount of effort you put into it.

The Patty Burger:  Pre-formed like Bubba, these patties inhabit your grocery butcher case and are at least fresh.  They’re usually 1/3 of a pound, 80/20 meat, and formed using a burger press.  They take a bit more work (they cant be tossed on the grill like a hockey puck) and taste a little better than Bubba.  But not really.

The Suburban Burger: is what I imagine to be the homemade burger of the masses.   Over worked, under-salted  and over-grilled the suburban burger has some heart.  It’s often dry and tough but made by someone who at least pretended to give a fuck.

The Elevated Burger: This is where things start to get good.  It’s the burger that people compliment at a cook out and is made by someone who handles meat gently, isn’t afraid of salt, and knows their grill.   It takes twice the effort of the suburban burger; And it shows.

The Super Burger: Butchers consulted for custom meat blends.  Carefully selected condiments and buns.  These are the burgers that grace the tables of steak houses and most obsessive home cooks.  Deep rich crusts encase juicy, pink, tender meat in a perfect balance of smoke, flavor and texture.

Jesus on a Bun: I’m almost certain that this is the burger President Obama would eat every day if his wife, Maureen Dowd, and obsessive food bloggers would leave him alone.  This is the burger of the Gods.  When eating a burger of this caliber, the subject no longer thinks of the material sandwich before him.  He focuses on how great it is to be alive.

I’m not certain what it takes to conjure the divine at home becuase I haven’t gotten there.  Sometimes a lot of work is required for marginally noticeable improvements making it easy to question my effort.  I could just go to Palena Grill and bliss out for a 10-spot (and I sometimes do) but when you love things this much pleasure can’t be measured in dollars, and ticks of the clock. Perfection at home may be marginaly costly, but when you hold it in your hands it’s exponentialy rewarding.